Serpentine Squiggles

Enantiodromia.
That
That
Our
Is
Tell
I’ll
Athna,
Dear
Athna:
Athna:
Are you
well?
well? In
crown
prosoma and
heart?
opisthosoma?
Have
What have you been
eating?
eating—dare I
ask?
ask? Are those
fangs
chelicera of yours
bared?
twisted in gladness or
sorrow?
sorrow?
Still your
coat
coat
needle‍-​coat of
fur
setae retains
that
that ochre
richness.
richness, still your cunning gaze
coronates.
adorns that tiara of golden
eyes.
eyes, and still your breast
boasts.
boasts those full
curves.
curves—far more winsome than
mine.
my gaunt frame, I dare
say.
say. And of course your webs are
impeccable.
woven as impeccable‍-​ornate as
always.
ever—I always envied you that.
You’re peerless.
I could never
compare.
lie.
lie to save my
life.
life. Is my
flattery
distraction
dissimulation so
transparent?
transparent? I’ll recuse myself,
then.
then. (Must I write this as a
conversation?)
confession?)
conviction?)
Apologies.
“I’m
Sister…
One sister
says,
says to another: “I’m
sorry.”
sorry.”
No,
But
who?
who
says
ought to say it? No, forget it. I will
listen.
listen this time.
Tell
me:
me, sister.
Is
Was
this
contradiction
this betrayal
our
my
fate?
fate
hunger or
yours?
yours?
Meliflora.
Meliflora, that was her
name.
name, that
beautiful
insistent, blooming double
trochee.
trochee.
Angel wings
Sun‍-​dazzled gems scaling her wings,
finest hair
white‍-​feathered fronds furling her antennae, and that
face.
face, soft chitin framing those
eyes.
eyes.
eager, pinkly blushing
eyes.
compound‍-​eyes. Like petals of a magnificent flower, shyly closed.
Friend.
Our
fondest
only
friend.
friend. Her smile, her laugh, her bouquet of
words.
words. And you
hated.
disdained.
cringed.
No. 
No, what did you call them?
Empty?
Vapid?
Phatic?
Phatic? And she befriended
us.
us, despite
you.
me.
us both.
Why?
Did she
know?
believe we could
change?
change? Could we
really?
really? Or was
that
that (always) the problem?
That
Ever
So
familiar,
lepidopteran,
lepidopteran
, no?
—no, I
shouldn’t.
shouldn’t. She
hated
always hated
it.
that
that stupid idiom.
Moths.

“I’m
not.”
not even a
moth!”
moth!
Look.”
Just
look
look—don’t ogle!—glance at my
wings.”
wings.” (I
did.)
stared.
stared.
Glimmering blue.
Her
scales,
scales—like arrayed gemstones—were deep blue and
glimmering.
moonlight
even in the daytime, moonlight‍-​glimmering.)
“Besides!”
“Besides, it’s
dumb.”
dumb. Moths don’t do
that!”
that!
Why
Lights are just
lights.
lights. Not
lures.
lures, not tricks. Why would anyone?”
Thanatos.
“
Thanatos.
The
death‍-​drive.
morbid
libidinal
liberatory
allure.
allure
revelation of
self
utter self‍-​destruction.”
You
Quietly,
Emphatically, you
spoke.
had replied while I
cringed.
averted
my
seven of my
eyes.
eyes.
“
Stupid!
Like I
said!
said!
Weirdo.
Wait,
what?
what?
‘Thanatos’?
That’s
Why’s
that
there specifically a
word?
smarty‍-​shell word for it?”
“Oh?”
“Is
it?
it
foolishness?
not
wisdom?
wisdom, cloaked and masked?” you
said.
said, and
gestured.
one pedipalp
gestured.
gestured
meaningfully
meaningfully at
us
the two of us. “And
this?
this? You must
agree.
agree—
no?
despite yourself, perhaps. What
is
else could one call this?”
She
frowned.
balked.
frowned,
mouth
mouthparts
proboscis
furling.
sucked into a
spiral.
spiral, as if
flinching.
tasting something sour.
“Huh?”
“Huh?” She glanced
away.
toward
me.
me. I
smiled.
smiled. She returned
it.
it, then
hummed.
hummed
hummed high in her
chest.
chest.
thorax. (I didn’t ogle.) She had a
question.
question. “
Eta?
Eta? Do you get it?”
Hm.
I
understood.
knew
you.
you, and wasn’t
confused.
impressed.
But.
But
her?
you come off
strong.
intimidating.
so pretentious. “
Well.”
Seems
contradictory.”
at odds with
itself.”
the
innate
normal
tendency
ways
things
people
bugs are, I
mean.”
mean.” (Oh
no.
no, had I made it
worse?
seem like I’m a fool? )
“Hm.”
“It’s
deterimental,
kinda risky,
bad, y’know? I
think.”
think bugs avoid
it.”
it
burning alive for
evolutionary
good reasons.”
She
fluttered.
bounced.
bounced, wings
fluttering.
fluttering. Head
too.
nodding
fast.
fast. enough her antennae swung about
wildly.
wildly. So exciteable.
Cute.
 “Exactly!”
You
were smug.
smirked
kept a chelicera
quirked
quirked—despite
her
me telling you
not to
it
the brandishing of fangs bothers insects,
still.
still. As if
undisputed
untouchable
utterly incorrible
no one could
deny
control you.
I
sighed.
sighed. It’s
bait.
bait, but I’ll
bite.
bite.
“What?”
“What is ‘this’,
then?”
then?”
“Indulge
me?
me a
reprise?
reprise. Look, don’t
ogle.
ogle.” A
laugh.
scratch of her mouthparts. “
My, my.
A
butterfly?
butterfly? Among
spiders?
spiders? One can only
imagine.
imagine.
Wherefore
What motivated her, and
whereso.
what could come of it.
Anon.
Won’t be
long.
long
now.
now,
I
we
promise.
promise.
Right,
Isn’t that right, Eta?”
No. 
No
I shook my head.
Never
You’re too cruel, I thought.

And yet… We’re ever
seeking
yearning for
that
that
flame,
flame. (
Her.
Her. So
tempting.
tempting to
dream.
believe
in it.
in us.
we could
ever…
ever
be brave enough to burn.) Could we even
reach
kneel
deny our hunger for
the stars,
those
stars?
stars?
Watching.
Ever
watching.
watching
them.
them.
I know
you.
you’ve done
it.
it
too.
too.
Stalked.
Stalked to the
village.
edge of our hunting
grounds.
grounds—so paradoxically rich in prey. So
close.
close to that
village.
village.
Cobblestone.
Webs
That
Perched on that hillside overlooking webs of
cobblestone.
cobblestone where bugs
dwell.
dwell.
Shining
Lights flickering behind
glass.
glass—
dozens.
dozens
dozens upon teeming dozens of
nests
nests—morsel‍-​full—and crowded all
together.
together. So
saccharine.
suffocating.
inviting.
How?
How
Living like that, how do they stand
it?
it? (How do we live without it?)
I had to
ask
trust
you.
you. Oh, how did I
ever?
ever
believe
think
those
your
any
words
words were worth
everything
anything
their length in silk?
“As
children
spiderlings, we
flee.”
flee.
flee those
hungry
spider‍-​plucking
birds
talons of heaven
above.
above and suck sweet
nectar
foolsap from
flowers
pitiful things.
Claws
Our tarsi harvest‍-​ripping
fruits.
fruits, fangs piercing the shells of
seeds.
seeds, our venom conquer‍-​digesting
plants.
kingdom plantae—all is rehearsal.
As.

“As
adults
spiders, we
hunt.
hunt. Our hunger grows
deeper.
ever more profound.
Death.
Death—that is true
maturity.
maturity. We
drain
suck
life
hemolymph infused with our essence from our prey—and
yet.
yet.
That’s
A meal is not
enough.
enough, is it? We
devour.
devour them because we desire
them.
them. We trap
them
them lest they deny us.
We
They have something we
lack.
lack—so grievously.”
You
halted.
halted. Your golden eyes peered into
me.
me. You
said
insinuated, “
Beauty?”
Isn’t it
beautiful?
infuriating?
maddening? These
butterflies…”
butterflies
are
can still sate themselves, supping on
flowers
peace—
still.
and they are still more
beautiful.
beautiful than
you
you can ever be, aren’t
they?
they? And they know it.”
“Even
Meli?
Meli doesn’t think
that,
that—she said I looked striking,” I
said.
said.
Face
Pedipalps
Slender, feeble pedipalps
trembled.
trembled.
You
Sisters always knew the
weaknesses.
weaknesses.
You shook your
head.
head. “
No. 
A joke.
It was a
pun.
pun, a joke, playing with
words.
words. How do you say… ‘if looks could kill’.” That
laugh.
laugh.
I looked
down.
down,
venom
a drop of venom
dewing
dewing on my
chelicerae
chelicerae despite myself.
“Really?”
“Was she laughing at me?”
“Perhaps, perhaps
not.
not. But that isn’t what bothers
you.
you, not truly.
This angst.
I’ve seen the
truth.
truth eat spiders up inside.
Gnawing.
It
From within us it reaches, it grasps, it
claws.
claws.
Desperation
Desperation as if something was stolen from us.
Indignation.
They stole it from
us.
us, a voice will
whisper.
whisper: It’s because of
them
them that we are like this! And
myself…
I am not immune.”
I
Sometimes
Times like this, I hate
that look.
that look on
your face.
you.
Your fault,
It’s because of
you.
you that I’m like this, sister, I did not
think.
think—that
thought
thought (that revelation) came later.
No, at the time, I only said,
“Never.”
“If I had never
listened—
listen, never followed you—”
“Never
lived?”
lived?” you quipped. “Eta, if that’s your
longing…”
longing, it would take one
prick.
prick of mine to relieve all that
trouble.
trouble—shall I
assist
administer you?”
I stormed
out.
out—nothing left for me
 to say.
.
“
Where
Where are you going?” you called after
me.
me.
Into
memory.
memory. Back to that place where it all
began.
changed. Began
inverting.
twisting to its
opposite.
opposite. And the only place I’ve found
peace.
peace—sweet like
nectar.
the sap of fools and
children.
spiderlings.

And I
That day, I
That day, I met
her.
her. Spring
winds.
winds. Distant bird
cries.
cries. That
scent…
scent…
floral‍-​sweet.
floral‍-​sweet, fairy dust
and candy?
and—what did her kind call it?—cotton
candy.
candy. Wisteria in
bloom.
bloom. We met in the boughs of a tree clad in purple
flowers.
flowers.
I wasn’t yet of
age,
hunger, hadn’t molted
teneral
my last growing shed yet. I
couldn’t
didn’t have the
will
will yet to do what
had to
mother insisted be
done.
done with
morsels.
morsels.
She saw me
first.
first—
first!
first! Mother would have a
fit.
fit. If only that old spider knew.
Prey. She
could
should have
fled.
fled.
Screamed.
Screamed in
horror.
horror, or shock, or
anything.
anything. Not chirped fain
curiosity.
curiosity.
Wings.
A
butterfly.
butterfly, voice humming
melody.
melody.
“Flowers?”
“
You
You’re a
monster?
monster—um, is that rude? I mean, spider? But you like
flowers?
flowers? I didn’t know you— spiders liked things, too.”
“
Aah!
Well,
hello.
hello. I didn’t know
prey
bugs could speak, either.” I
yelped
protested
said
sharply.
sharply. Mother never spoke of
this.
this. (Nor did
you.
you.
You
You, in your usual style, danced around
explaining
confirming
it.
it. I bet you
knew.
knew just how I’d take it.).
Why?
Why? Why didn’t she
run?
run? Why didn’t
I?
I
kill
devour
avoid her then and
there?
there? Oh
Meliflora…
Meliflora… Must I really be so
curious?
desperate?

(Always.
(What was it that mother used to say it all the
time?
time? “Weave me another
cocoon.”
cocoon.” Punctuated with a hard smack, claws barely
retracted.
retracted.
Teaching
Training
Raising
Loving me—giving me what I
needed.
needed, to
survive.
survive.
And I needed
it.
all the practice I could
get
get, I was so bad at it. So
hungry.
hungry. She’d take away my
meals.
meals until I could tie them just
right.
right. And I
never
never, never, got it
just
just
right.
right.
A different time, a different
speaker.
speaker. “Is that
why?
why you became so fond of flowers, I wonder?” you once
asked.
asked. I did not answer.)
But then
But that day, I
saw
should have seen the
ensnaring
prefigured
truth
ending
prefigured,
prefigured in
itself,
its
beginning,
beginning. I can hardly stomach
it.
it. That
innate weakness
weakness—We spiders have such narrow throats, don’t we?
Please allay
Anything but
Though beg I must,
anything but
no route eludes
that
my own
the cadence of my own
prose.
prose.
But is this
style
affliction
mine?
mine? I learned from the
best.
best. No, I still
flatter.
flatter. Forgive this dance—
Philosophy.
No,
poetry.
I’m no poet. But
you?
you
were.
called yourself
one.
a
philosopher.
philosopher, writing like
this.
this. This nonsense.
Ha.
Yet I
imitate
echo you
echo it, a vessel for your venom still.
You.
You, sister, I can only
imitate.
imitate—I falter for whatever meaning you found
in
in any of this.
That
Bind me in my
paradox.
paradox
merciless
cathartic
deserved
lingering
thread
thread, spun of
myself.
my spinneret.
It’s
My
curiosity
curiosity—so silken‍-​sticky—it would always damn
me.
me. What has this become? A
conversation.
confession.
conviction. Or merely
recounting?
apologetics?
a plea for understanding?
Inevitably this takes a turn for
autobiography
navel‍-​gazing
self‍-​referential rambling. Yet part of me hopes so
desperately.
desperately—even should I
falter.
falter, some real paroxym must be limned alright in my
striving.
striving.
I
digress.
digress. Rid me now of
this.
this ever‍-​persistent self
‍-​consciousness.
. Spin,
spin.
spin. The thread lingers, and with it my
curiosity.
curiosity, my silken
bondage.
bondage—that twined string stretches
on
on and
on
on and
on
on.
(Are not all ends
loose?
loose? Yet you
doggedly
buzzingly
persist
persist—voracious for meaning.)
Deeper
you examine.
still we look. But how far will you
crawl?
crawl, in your
study
appraisal
interrogation of
me?
me? How much of the
story
story of our lives will you
endure?
endure?
Rhetorical.
I
suppose
dare say it must all be
enough.
slave to some rhetorical purpose,
yes?
yes?
Justify
Justify, by some noble calculus, its inclusion?
Three
I calculate three questions
remain.
remain. Shall I pose and then answer them, as suits rhetoric?
Yes?
If the query
be
be what became of
myself
you
her,
then:
then:
Why

Why did she take an interest in
us?
us?
The
I recall the sun
shone
shone, hot with shade‍-​excoriating light, from high
above.
above, the day I voiced the
question.
question.
We
She taught us a game played with pillbugs
and
and overturned
baskets.
baskets. You
roll
set up a
goal
goal (your basket) and try rolling
them.
them downhill, hoping to land in your
goal.
goal, rather than someone else’s. But you kept eating
them.
them—
as if
past a point, it wasn’t hunger, it was your duty.
“Spiders,”
She shook her
head
head, white‍-​feathered antenna flapping gently. “Spiders,” she
chided.
chided. Not exasperation,
seemingly.
somehow, but some kind of whining fondness?
“Meli?”
“Meli?” I started, tapping pedipalps
together.
together. “Why
us?”
do you still
bother with
tolerate
enjoy
us?
us—what do you get out of it?”
“
You’re different
You’re different.”
”Different?”
”Yeah,” she
replied.
replied. “My father
wants me to
demands I
find
settle for
a good
any
mate.
male to mate with, but they all
suck!
suck! All they ever talk about is
flowers
flowers and
sports
sports and
gossip
gossip and preening their
antennae
antennae and who’s the most handsome and impressive.
Ugh!
Ugh! But you two aren’t like
that.
that.” She
smiled.
smiled, then said it again in that special tone: “Spiders. You talk about…
Um.
Um. Killing things and weaving death‍-​traps and deep thinky stuff.” She looked
up.
up,
up, a butterfly‍-​gesture I’d never quite understood, unfurling her
tongue
proboscis
vertically.
vertically.
“And that appeals to
you?”
you?”
“It seems so nasty and
confusing!
confusing! But um. It is
interesting.
interesting. More interesting than hearing another pickup
line
line about fluttering down from heaven, at least.” Gaze snapped
down.
down, tongue curled all the way
up
up beneath her mandibles
now.
now. “
Eta
Athna
Both of you, you’re smart and so
powerful.
powerful. So it means a lot that you’d make time for me.” She
smiled.
smiled.
“Powerful means
dangerous.
dangerous. What’s stopping us from killing you one of these days?” I
said.
said.
“I
guess
guess I am at your mercy.
But…”
But… maybe your sister was
right?”
right about that big word she used the other day. Then a
toast?”
toast?”
(“Thanatos.”)
(“Thanatos.”) “Yeah that one. It’s. Kind of
exciting?
exciting? Talking to spiders.
I mean,
Not that you aren’t people to me too, I
mean,
mean, I’m not one of those bugs,” she said
quietly.
quietly.
Then you
spoke.
spoke,
latching
lunging onto another thing she’d
said.
said. “But however
do
can you
know
know truly that
we’re
we’re, quote,
smart.
smart. You understand so
little.
precious
little.
little.
Perhaps
For all you may know, we dilute our words with
amphigory.
lies and nonsense.”
She tilted her
head.
head. Light danced across her flushed pink
facets.
facets. “
Hrmph.
Maybe it’s
nonsense!
nonsense! But I like listening to
stories
fairy
stories
stories and those are lies,
too.
too. I like when they’re good, I
mean.
mean. Not just like, I went to the meadow this morning, and guess who was there?” Her wings
fluttered.
fluttered; she
bounced.
bounced.
That
I’d learned that motion was
a
a
butterfly
butterfly’s particularly emphatic
shrug.
shrug. She concluded, “It’s just words.”
You
grunt.
grunt, almost in offense. “I take myself a little more seriously than
that.”
that.” Too seriously, I thought. ”And I
don’t appreciate it.”
would appreciate it if you did, too.”
“I do appreciate
you!
you! Just um. I can’t really
tell.
tell when you’re just joking, Athna.” Meli looked
away.
away.
I interject, “But you still think we’re
better?
better than the bugs trying to court you?” I tapped
palps.
palps, then stopped
myself.
myself.
Meli nods.

“Sure,” she said. “Of course!”
 “Even though
Athna’s
we’re
cryptic
pretentious
hard to understand?” I
pressed.
pressed.
“I mean, why would I have come this
far?
far, gone through all this, if I
didn’t?
didn’t like hearing what you have to say?” She
giggled.
giggled.
Your golden eyes
read
regarded
bore into
her.
her. I knew that
patient
planning
plotting
look.
look. “How brave of
you.
you to delve
further
further even as a web is woven around you. Take
care.
care that you do not lose yourself in all
this.
this. And take care that you are not
found.
found—terribly so.”
And she just giggled.

Why
But why did she follow us down into this
pit?
pit?
Below
In the depths of our territory, below silken banners and the hollow
husks
husks of
prey
bugs
people mounted on display lay our
home.
lair.
burrow. Yours,
rather.
really, but in practice,
ours.
ours.
(A rare arrangement.)

(
Rare, for
Rare—scandalous, even—for two
ladies
spiders to dwell as
one.
one. But I could hardly cocoon my
prey.
prey—weaving a web of my
own?
own? Yes, you let me stay
here.
here, in this hole, because I couldn’t manage on my own.)
Nets
Woven and rooted nets held back
dirt and belonging.
dirt.
Silken carpet,
Our mingled silk carpetted the floor, and
hanging holds
the walls held rows of hammocks and pockets.
Weapons
Our hunting implements hung waiting, and
miscellanea.
alongside dried plants and curious
stones.
stones that might one day find
use.
use.
But we collected,
too.
too. Garments of prey, their tools and
toys.
toys.
Stories
It all told a
story
story if you were keen to
read
write it, you
know.
know. My
fascination
indulgence was probing and
studying
playing with
them.
them.
You
You always
provided.
provided. I appreciate
that.
that, if I appreciate little else.
 We kept things
organized.
organized—which
made it clear
meant you could always tell when Meliflora had
come by.
come by.
She
Her poking and absentminded wander‍-​carrying seemed a force of
entropy.
entropy. You scolded her
for it.
for it; no
effect.
effect.
Her very presence was an evolution, a marked
change.
change—she trembled
at first.
when we first showed her our lair, and declined to
enter.
enter. But
curiosity
curiosity, morbid or innocent, possessed
her.
her. (
Why else?
She was so much like me, after all.)
 But she settled
in
into
in, found places to climb and perch in our little catacombs. And we
talked.
talked. Now. I can give no smoother segue than
this.
this; Meliflora was so ever fond of
just…
just… saying things.
“Spiders never change, do
they?
they?”
”What?” I
said.
said, flinch‍-​freezing as if crime‍-​caught.
”I mean,” she
said.
said. “
Spiders grubs
I’ve never seen a spider
grub.
grub—is that the right word?” (”Spiderling.”) ”Oh. They aren’t long and wriggly,
right?”
right? But ours are.
Then
For a bit, anyway, then we spin a chrysalis and melt into goo!”
How horrifying.

Horrifying, I thought. “Fascinating,” I said.
You smiled, branished those
fangs.
fangs. “
How familiar.
Oh, we’re quite familiar with morsels that melt.” I scowled at
you.
you.
“Haha, I bet. But this is good‍-​melting, not deady
dead‍-​melting.”
dead‍-​melting.” She
bounced
shrugged her wings
again.
again. “
We
It’s a big sleep while we transform—and the dreams are
crazy.”
crazy. I still think about
it.”
it. That long rest before Life really
began…”
begin… Haha, I sound like one of you, don’t I?” (“No,” you
said.)
said.) “Oh darn. But fair, I
guess.”
guess. What I’m getting at is… everything
got
just kept getting
complicated
complicated and
confusing
confusing and exhausting
 after that.
. Life’s just
more
more and
more
more and more of that.
Forever!
Forever! A lot easier as a
grub.
grub. As a
pup.
pup. Sometimes I wish I could
just.
just. Crawl back into my lil’ shell.” She slumped down at the very
end.
end.
Drooped.
Drooped.
“I
understand.”
understand the metaphor,” you said.
“So, you find it simpler, here?” I
tried.
tried. “Fewer people. Less to
agonize
worry
about?”
about?”
“It’s cozy!” she
said.
said.
I lifted a questioning
pedipalp.
pedipalp. “It’s only
physical
the physical reminder?” I
asked.
asked. ”
Wouldn’t you rather
I’d have expected a butterfly would prefer to, well, fly?” One leg scratched
another.
another.
“Oh, I
hate
hate
hate
hate hate
flying!”
flying!”

“Why!?”

“Why!?”
Indignance?
The words were indignant out of
me.
me. “I— Well. I think I’d love to
fly.”
fly.”
Envy?
Was Athna right? I
thought.
thought. Do I envy them?
“
It’s so tiring!
It’s so tiring! And the wind is so
annoying!
annoying! And you’ve got to pay attention to so much random stuff,” she
ranted.
ranted. “But. I mean.
Honestly?”
Honestly, it’s mostly the
migration.”
migration.”
“
Right,
Right,” I said, ”the butterflies have to migrate every
year.”
year.”
“Such a wonderful time to hunt,” you
said.
said. “Timing permitting, of
course.”
course.” I
glared.
glared.
“We don’t even have to! It’s just… tradition,” she
whined.
whined. “And flying across the
continent
continent whenever the winds get cold. And it’s the
worst!”
worst!”
“What do you dislike?” I
asked.
asked. I noticed she
held
gently held one of my
tarsi.
tarsi.
“Everything out there is just so big,
Eta.
Eta. And we’re… we’re just
bugs.
bugs. From above it’s all
vast and looming.
vast seas and looming
mountaintops.
mountaintops and these overgrown
forests.
forests that stretch
on
on and
on
on and
on
on and
on
on and—”
“I get it,” I told
her.
her, squeezing her tarsus in
mine.
mine.
She
giggled.
giggled.
Musical.
Musical. “But that’s why I like it down here! With
you
you both. It’s cozy,” she
repeated.
repeated. “Nice and safe.”
“It’s very much not,” I
said.
said. “Remember that.”
She stuck out her proboscis at
me.
me, and blew air to make it
flutter.
flutter. “I might forget it if you didn’t keep reminding
me!”
me! Really, you’re kind of
harmless.”
harmless. For a ruthless predatory
spider.”
spider.” A tarsus tapped her
chin.
chin. “
I wonder
I wonder if you’ve ever eaten anyone I know. I wonder what we taste
like.”
like.”
“
Diverse multitudes
Every bug is their own specimen,” you said before I can
answer.
answer. “Some struggle and that thrill floods their
blood.
blood. Some have poised their body before I have laid a tarsus upon
them.
them. And some… there’s no accounting for
essence.
essence. Are there not
bugs
so many bugs destined to be exquisite
meals?
meals? Is it not cruelty to spare them?”
Meliflora looked
away.
away. Then,
glanced
slowly, glanced up at
me.
me. Were her eyes flushed brightly
pink?
pink? Or did I imagine
that?
that? Then she
asked.
asked that
damn
damned
damning
question.
question. “
Do
Hey,
Hey Eta, do you wonder what I taste
like?”
like?” She
smiled.
smiled. She
smiled.
smiled. At
me.
me.
And you just laughed and laughed
.
.

(We were
alone.
alone. “The answer to her question is yes, isn’t
it?
it?
You’ve
You must have thought about
it.
it. The fantasy keeps you up at
night.
night. Like a pang in your
gut.
gut. So intense you can already feel it,
yes?
yes? Wrapping her into a bindingly tight embrace of
silk.
silk. The
taste of
taste dripping from of her
cuticle.
cuticle. How
your
the fine points of your
length
chelicerae would simply glide into her
depths.
depths. Delivering a gush of your own
essence.
essence—transforming her
utterly.
utterly, rendering her entirely
yours.
yours. So
easily.
easily. So
naturally.
naturally. Yes,
Eta.
Eta. The answer is so very yes.”)

Why
And whyever did she
come
keep coming
back?
back?
You met her at the
doorway
trapdoor to our
burrow.
burrow. “It is loneliness, is it
not?
not? The reason you keep coming back to us?” you
asked.
asked.
You
At some point, you’d begun to
speak
speak to her with less
venom;
venom. (Or I so I
thought.
thought. Really, it’d become
subtle.
subtle,
subtle, a slow‍-​acting dose, blended alchemically with fruit and wine.) Meliflora
noticed.
smiled at you more often,
now.
now.
She started, “It’s not… I’m not… yeah, yeah
okay.
okay. I guess. You make me sound
pathetic,
pathetic. Some of the girls say I would talk to
rocks.
rocks—and for the record I
wouldn’t!
wouldn’t! Not even if it was shiny!” She folded her
arms
both pairs of arms across her
chest.
thorax.
“Even if it were humming quartz?”
Her antennae twirled amusement.
“Anyway.
“Well if it started the conversation, then
yeah.
that’s a different
story.
story.”
“
Loneliness?
You were talking about loneliness,” I interjected.
“Right. ” Then she said, “Just a little
lonely.
lonely. And it’s… worse
now.
now. Partly because I keep pissing off the
males.
males and partly because.
Um.
Um. Bugs think
you made me evil
I’m conspiring with you two?
Not great.
And that’s bad because. Uh.” She glanced
away.
away, looking between the two of
us.
us. “The village blames you for
everything
all the people who keep disappearing?
Sorry.”
Sorry.”
You said,
“But of course.”
“We do eat you
morsels.”
morsels.”
“She’s not
a
just a morsel,” I
said.
said, something
hard
else lacing my
words.
words.
Meliflora just
giggled.
giggled. “Aren’t we all,
though?”
though?”
I
looked
turned
flinched to look at
her.
her, and wondered if she saw herself
reflected
reflected in the lens of my eyes. I
thought.
thought. Considered my
words.
words. Said, “You don’t mind that we’re
killers?”
killers?”
“
No
I don’t know. Not my
problem?
problem? It’s their own
fault
fault if you manage to catch them, I
guess.
guess. I’d just tell ’em just don’t be stupid,
haha.
haha. Way more of them would
live.
live if they were
nice and charming
as nice and charming as me, I bet.” She
paused.
paused. Her voice grew quieter.
“But…”
“But some of them…”
“But I guess of them
are
might be
nice.”
nice.”
“Yet I would still enjoy eating them,” you
said.
said. (Meliflora had richly pink
eyes.
eyes, looking at you.)
And I glared, chelicerae
clicking.
clicking. “We would still
have to,
have to, is what matters,” I
said.
said.
“Well, if you have to,
start
you should start with the bugs I don’t
like,
like, you know?” she
said.
said.
“Do you like yourself,
papillon?”
papillon?” You ran a
mouthpart
pedipalp over your
fangs
chelicerae,
subtly.
subtly.
Her
head
round and fuzzy head
tilted.
tilted. “What?”
“The
sting
lash
bite of judgment and rumor, the
disapproval
judgment of your
conspecifices…
conspecifics—are you truly numb to it all? Does it not
erode?
erode your
confidence?
confidence?
Are you real?
Is this chipper mien of yours sincere, or a façade?” Those chelicera
parted.
parted to reveal that yawning
mouth.
mouth; and you spoke with
gravitas.
gravitas. “What
dwells
aches beneath your shell, oh
papillon?”
papillon?”
Projection.
Must you ever imagine all bugs
miserable
as miserable as yourself, sister? I
thought
refrained from saying. I glanced at
‘papillon’.
Meliflora.
Her proboscis wiggled in the
air.
air. “Is this about…
thanatos?
thanatos”—she gave that word a dreadful whisper—”again?” she
asked.
asked.
You
nodded.
nodded, and still made the gesture look chiding.
That smile.
When was the last
time?
time I saw you
smile?
smile? “You had
ideated dreadfully.
asked whether we’d ever wondered how you
taste.
taste—was it not your plan to plant the idea in our
heads?
heads? So tell me,
papillon.
papillon. You must tell
me.
me.
If
When we at last dispense with this
pretense,
foreplay,
shall we?
would you deny us yourself?”


But
ultimately?
ultimately? I cannot
satisfy
exhaust the tale with
this
this meager silk spun from my glands,
no.
no.
She
It was the nature of Meliflora that she produced so much
chatter.
chatter,
chatter—such lovely sing‍-​song pestering—and I
ache.
ache to transcribe it
all.
all.
“What if
a butterfly and a spider
me and one of you
we, um,
kissed…
kissed—is it possible, I
mean?
mean? Are our mouths the right shape?” “Next grand migration,
could I fly with…
I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if one of you
were there
came with me…” “Hehe, are you jealous,
Eta?
Eta‍-​cutie? Don’t worry, I
like
really like you both~”
And then, that
night.
night, came those words that signaled the
doom
last, fateful evolution of
our relationship
what we were together.
Falling.
The crossing of the final
threshold.
threshold, a descent into that gravitational well.
Trapped.
When our contact
became
became not
ephemeral
fleeting trysts and
stolen moments
afternoons stolen from her unspoken duties in that village. But a march toward the end.
“Um. Eta? Athna? I
hate
really
hate
really hate this…
but…
but… my dad finally
did it
kicked me out of the nest
and…
and… there’s not really anyone
else…
else who wants to take
me
someone like me…”
Enervated,
Energy had drained from her voice,
severed,
antennae drooped like strands of a severed web,
extinguished
even her wings seemed dull in the light.
An entropy‍-​victim.
Must
all wane?
this world erode
us.
all life’s beauty and joy? Oh
Meliflora…
Meliflora…
At
length, she
length—as if exacted by tremendous effort—she voiced the request. “Do you think I
could…
could
stay
be here?
As a home?
With you two?
For…
Forever?”
Must I continue?

We’re only delaying the deserved
conclusion
throne
cage
cage—no,
execution.
execution. Aren’t you still
hungry?
hungry? (We always have room for
more.
more, mother always said.) You
know.
know where this leads.
Dead.
She’s
Meliflora
Because
Because of you,
Because of me,
Because of us,
Because— Meliflora is
dead.
dead.
dead.
Two suspects, one
corpse.
corpse. A secret kept only if the former joins the
latter.
latter.

“Secret?”
“But the diet of spiders is no secret,
sister.”
sister.”
I caught you at the
scene.
scene. So why did I
startle?
startle? “What did you
do?”
do? What happened, Athna?” I
demanded.
demanded. Rarely do I make so loud a
noise.
noise—so desperately
emphatic.
emphatic. I needed to
know.
know, more than I’d needed anything.
I looked to
you.
you. And I
listened.
listened. And I
waited.
waited. Oh, why make me
wait?
wait?
“Must
we?
we commit to laying the blame on one fang or the
other?
other? Are we not
sisters?
sisters? Is it not all the more intriguing for the
ambiguity
ambiguity—the
richness
richeness—the possibility?
Yes.
Yes. More fruit lay in
that, in
that than any mere matter of
fact.
fact. Oh, I always
loved
hated mysteries. Trouble me not with ’yes’s or
’no’s.
’no’s. Trouble me not with answers.” You seemed so
bored.
bored.
“Never a straight
answer
word spoken from your mouth.” I
sighed.
sighed. What did I
expect?
expect? “Even when lives are at stake.” Sounded
lame
petulant even as I said
it.
it. At
stake?
stake? Meliflora is already
dead.
dead.
Yet you
Yet—despite my interuption—you were still going, and
continued.
continued, “
I prefer
It is the inherent superiority of a story told rather than
written.
written.
What is written
Once meaning is sentenced to writing, it must be, and always
so.
so. Oh, the poverty of that stasis.” A
pause.
pause, for rhetoric, or your own
stamina.
stamina. “Consider
contrast.
this story: She is a dove, I
said.
said. Then I amend, No, she is a
lion.
lion. Then, She has eyes the color of the
sea.
sea. Then, No, she has no
eyes.
eyes. Is this freedom not
exhilarating
exhilarating for us both?”
“You revel in
contradiction.”
contradiction,” I
spat.
spat.
A nod. “It is
revelatory.
revelatory. Like a fine spider’s web, branching
beautifully.
beautifully.
Noble.
This is the noble charge of the
hunter‍-​story‍-​teller.
hunter‍-​storyteller—once we have sated the apetites of our
bodies?
bodies, weave us another coccoon for the
mind.
mind. Bring a world to life—and kill it.
”
”
(
Athna?
Sister?
Perhaps I truly
must…
must
shall heed your words, in the end.)
The
Place

Place an epitaph —
metamorphosis.
providence.
everything
in its demise.
forever doomed.
devoured.
for love
.
.
Acceptance.
“Is it so hard to
accept?”
accept?” You gave that scrape of
chelicera.
chelicera.
That
That fucking
laugh.
laugh. “She asked for
it.
it,
remember?
remember? Weave me another cocoon, she
mewled.
mewled. How do you stand that
voice?
voice—like birds whining? Oh
that embrace
how she thought it’d be
romantic
like an
embrace
embrace—or something more prurient. To be
held.
held, to be hungered
for.
for, to be enjoyed—forever.”
You dare?
I just
snarled.
snarled. All my will not to
lunge.
lunge,
fangs out.
drive the points of my fangs into your
eyes.
eyes.
Back up.
You took a step
back.
back, without looking any less
smug.
smug. “She was so tightly
wrapped.
wrapped—bound just right.
Eta?
Eta? Are you still
jealous
envious of me, oh sister mine?” Not a
smile.
smile, but a curve like a hidden
blade.
blade.
I backed
up.
up. Looked less fierce for
it.
it. But I insisted, “
Never
I could never have managed
something like that
that cocoon—you know it well.” Something
trembled.
trembled.
“You
lacked
never managed it because you lacked the
hunger,
hunger—till now. But you know
it,
it.
Deep
The desire deep in your core—the certainty that the
morsel is
morsel is beneath you and
yours,
yours to use as you
wish,
wish. Your whole life without
that
your heart thundering with that
craving.
craving—but now, is such a thrill not worth everything?” you
said.
said. “You are a
hunter.”
hunter, and you found your
prey.”
prey.”
“She—she was
more
more
so much more than prey,” I
said.
said. “She didn’t have to
die!”
die!”
“Oh, but everything
dies.
dies,
fool sister
little Eta.
Feast now.
And that we can kill, we can feast
upon.
upon. Shouldn’t you be proud?” You shook your
palps.
palps—taunting,
disapproving.
disapproving.
“I didn’t want
this.”
this—I never wanted
this.”
this.” Small palps, trembling
palps.
palps. “I
didn’t.”
didn’t.”
“And now, look at
you.
you.
Blood
Her blood drips from
the
your
web.
web; your eyes
searching
searching so keenly, mouthparts
working
working so tensely,
fangs still wet
fangs still wet so ravenously.
Nature’s course.
You
Even you could not resist—yet
you
you ask I claim it my act. You seek to blame me for nature’s course?”
Taller.
Above
me.
me. You stepped closer. You raised a
leg.
leg. It fell upon my
head.
head. “Must I absolve you, miserable
spider?”
spider?”
“Is—” My voice
broke.
broke. I couldn’t sustain the
rage
rage—couldn’t sustain the
denial
denial—or anything. I just
couldn’t.
couldn’t. You are, after
all…
all… “Isn’t that what sisters are
for?”
for?” Was I
begging?
begging—for
what?
what?
“Not at
all.
all. Have you not learned it well and true by
now?
now? Through death it is that we resolve the contradictions of
life.
life—we are royal judges in the court of kingdom animalia.”
Heavy.
Heavy, your weight pressed down on
me.
me. Rubbing, scratching—
comforting.
comforting. “Shame not our
duty
pleasure
nature,” you tell
me.
me.
“How does
that—”
that—”
“
Simply mourn.
Mourn this the loss of your
child‍-​heart.
child‍-​heart—and then you may thank me for
it.
it, or grip your pride and thank yourself.” You stopped, lifting your
foreleg.
foreleg. I let out a
sound.
sound—beyond
description.
description.

And now, at last: the grand
finale.
finale, the
climax.
climax,
my heart.
the heart of the
matter.
matter. You called yourself a
judge?
judge—what shall be my sentence?

Honestly?
Am
Athna?
What
I keep asking myself: what would you say now?
Cry theatrics?
Call it another
act?
act?
“Theatrics.”
“Trivial,
“It’s a simple story, despite the
theatrics.”
theatrics.”
Yet I
weave.
weave and I
weave.
weave and I
weave.
weave. Is it
worth
inviting more
trouble?
trouble? Reading this
transacts
demands
devours your
time.
time.
Yet this
Yet—how could I forget? This
was
was, like so many mistakes, your
idea.
idea.
Branching.
Not
Committing our acts not to a record, but a
web.
web. Already the task before me seems so
grueling.
grueling—and so
tedious.
tedious. This matter grows more deeply entangled by the
link.
link, like draping myself in a thorn‍-​quilt.
For what?

You thought this more
true.
true, more
noble.
noble, more
insightful.
insightful. Or so it seemed through the scrim of your diction.
Why bother?

Did you
still
ever think you might
find
hunt down
meaning
that thrill
your true ravin if you look close
enough?
enough? Tracing down every line to the very
end?
end?
Why am I even writing to
you?
you? Must I
hope
believe
insist that enough verbiage would
justify?
explain it all
away?
away, justify that night?
Judgement
Even the foreshadow of judgement
weighs.
weighs—crushing and cracking my
chitin.
chitin.
“It’s no rope you’ve been
weaving, is it?
weaving, nor ladder out of this
hell.
hell. Every line written is but another
snare.
snare. You know your doom like damned old friend.”
I fray.
I fray. I unravel.

Oh
Athna…
Athna… we’ve made quite the mess here, haven’t we?

Am I being
dramatic?
hysterical?
only myself, after all?
Please.
Forgive
Why
Why not
forgive
condemn
me?
me,
sister?
you traitor?
What
Your judgment—what
else?
else could
follow?
be more
fitting?
vapid?
meaningless?
Stop.
I’m
done.
done.
It’s
What’s done is done.
Now stop.
Please stop
peering.
peering.
Satisfied?
You’re never
satisfied.
satisfied. Nor am
I.
I.
But…
But…
Why?
Why?
Fate?
Fate? I
know
believe
conclude
hope
know it
was
wasn’t
was
wasn’t
was
wasn’t
was
wasn’t
fate?
fate, then.
fate—
but…
so
why…
why
did…
did
I…
you…
we…
anyone…
it
need…
always
ever need
to—
to change?
Of
course.
course. Revealed
there.
there, belabored
now.
now, yet already
written.
written
obvious
prefigured in
its
my
conception
deception.
Alas.
I
will
can
dissemble
elaborate
explore
stomach this no longer, no longer.
Meliflora…
Athna…
Mother…
Just—

Weave me another
cocoon.
cocoon. I tire of this
life.
life—and its enantiodromia.